Clarity
by I-Love-Phan-And-Butts
Summary: Dan and Phil's relationship is more complicated than they would like. How are they supposed to face their feelings, swallow their pride, and seal the deal? Fic is inspired by the song Clarity by Zedd ft. Foxes :)


**This fic is inspired by the song "Clarity - Acoustic Version" by Foxes and Zedd! If you haven't heard it, it's a great song and hearing it will make you enjoy the story more! Italicized words are song lyrics!**

**I don't own Dan and Phil either! :)**

**Clarity**

**Phil's POV**

_I dive into frozen waves when the past comes back to life..._

Dan's eyes glimmered at me for the millionth time, and my heart broke, for the millionth time. I am so desperately and madly in love with him, and I put myself through a lot to maintain this dying hope. He makes me feel things I have never felt before... Ecstatic, gloomy... powerful, weak... wanted, resented. Life with Dan, being so helplessly devoted to this boy why doesn't feel the same for me, is an emotional roller coaster and I do this to myself. I love him and I pursue him, and even though I know in advance that I'm going to get hurt I do it anyway. A year of pain is worth it for just one day of Dan's love.

_I fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time..._

Dan and I have a complicated relationship that "best friends" does not even begin to cover. He knows I love him, I know he does. He just has never said it.

Dan is essentially a strong person, but he sometimes falls into a crisis phase where he is emotionally unstable. He'll say whatever is on his mind, forget the filter. And he does whatever he wants, forget the filter.

I'll tell it like it is: Dan, during these phases, sometimes uses my feelings for his own personal gain. He squeezes every ounce out of my heart when he wants me to say things that make him feel beautiful and loved. "Do you think I'm cute, Phil? Cuter than all the other guys at Vidcon?" Yes, Dan. "Do you think I'm funny? You like my videos right?" Of course, Dan. "Am I your closest friend?" Absolutely. "Am I perfect, Philly? What am I to you?" You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm so in love with you.

Sometimes when Dan is feeling insecure he throws himself at me, and pretty much begs for me to sleep with him. I really don't know if he means anything by it, but it is meaningful for me. I try so hard, every time, to stop it, but I let it happen because of my feelings for him.

_Hold still right before we crash cause be both know how this ends... A clock ticks till it breaks your glass and I drown in you again..._

Every single time I do my best to control him and stop what he is doing... Undressing, giving me that hungry look. I would never want to take advantage of him while he is in an emotional funk, but with him knowing my true feelings towards him, isn't it like he is using me? Like a container he can dump his thoughts and feelings into without a second thought, instead of as a lover?

"Dan, please..." I almost whisper it. God, I sound so pathetic. I'm in the middle of a tug-of-war between my duties as a friend, and my own personal interests. Why is Dan so painfully seductive?

"Phil, what are you doing? I know you want this just as much as I do." He is disappointed. Annoyed. Empty. He wraps his arms around my waist and kisses my neck, urging me on. I can't stand it.

"I'm not sure you really want this, Dan. You're not thinking clearly. Not acting right. Please, listen to me. I'm your best friend..." He moans as he kisses my lips, moving up my jaw and nibbling on the way up, and I uncontrollably move my hands straight down to his lower back. I try once more to push him away.

Every single time, I fail.

It is hard to refuse love from the person you want to give your life to, isn't it?

_You are the piece of me I wish I didn't need..._

During our time together, my actions give him everything. With every movement I make into Dan, I'm telling him another secret. Every single touch, no matter the strength, is a confession. When we're together, I give him everything I have in my heart until it is used and spent, beaten by confusion.

We collapse on each other and I fall farther in love with Daniel Howell. Yes, he had a bad day. Yes, he decided to take his stress out on me. No, this does not mean he loves me now.

I wish I could see that flushed, satisfied face after we went on a romantic date, or spent the day cuddling in bed and watching a movie. His body is so beautiful that it sometimes hurts to look at. I just can't stop touching him, stroking him, caressing him, loving him. I'll never stop loving him.

_Chasing relentlessly, still fine and I don't know why..._

The viscous cycle is never ending. We make love, Dan feels better, and I fake another smile when he says "That was fun, it's fine when it doesn't mean anything. You know? Phil?" I feel like I'm going to throw up any second.

"Sure, Dan." I pick up my clothes as fast as possible and cut across the hall to my bedroom, and I allow myself to fall face down into the bed.

_If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?_

It's happening. It's actually happening again. Oh lord.

I'm crying into my pillow, yet again. Just like every other night like this. It happens every few months, but the pain stays fresh and sore in my heart for the whole period. This is so pathetic of me, to be crying alone after sex. I wish I could be cuddling with Dan and keeping him by my side, but this? This entire situation, being in separate rooms, surrounded by different blankets and behind different walls... This is wrong. This is not how it's supposed to work.

**Dan's POV**

_If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?_

Phil is my constant factor in my life. He's my coffee and cream in a bar full of flavored espressos. He's my plain white tee in a closet full of mismatched patterns. All in all, Phil keeps my reality in check. He's my go-to, and I have no idea how I would live without him watching over me.

Existential crises come and go along with fake friends, big changes, and relationships, but Phil has always been there, and I know he always will be. I always seem to need advice or a pick-me-up, and the first one who is by my side is Phil. Phillip Lester saves the day, for the millionth time. I feel bad unloading my stress and anxiety onto him in such an intimate fashion, but he seems fine...

I know he isn't, though. When we're together, not only is he giving me his body, but his soul, his heart, and his mind as well. I've had hookups before, and it is nothing like my experience with Phil, his sex is so much more meaningful, so full of feelings that I can't express. He loves me. So much. And I hate taking it for granted but it is just so hard not knowing what I truly want in this life, with Phil. Until I come to terms with myself, this is how it's going to be. We pretend everything is okay, and it eventually will be. I just have to do some soul searching and thinking.

Right?

_Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends. It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget our common sense_.

The next morning is always hard. Pretend like it didn't happen. Like you didn't just crush your best friend and yourself into emotional dust.

"Morning, Phil."

"Morning, Dan."

The hurt in his eyes. He's trying to hide it with that fake, cheerful face and it makes me sick. I wish we could just be real with each other.

I sit by him and he smiles at me. He squirms in his spot for a few minutes, and pretends to have something important to do in another room. I'm not stupid, Phil. You're avoiding me, just like you always do on these crazy, awkward morning-afters. I'm so sorry.

I just don't know how to say how I feel. More than friends, but lovers? How far am I willing to go with this? The decisions are bothering me way too much, but something needs to be done. I really hate hurting Phil so much.

**Phil's POV**

_Don't speak as I try to leave cause we both know what we'll choose._ _If you pull and I push too deep then I'll fall right back to you._

How am I supposed to deal with this. Every time he tries to make it up to me the next morning, but it hurts so much to be around him. I just have to get through this day, and the rest of the time we'll go back to our normal selves, until the cycle begins again. I can't wait until that median point, where nothing feels awkward and we can just be okay with each other, all the time.

Please let this go back to normal. Please, please let this all go back go normal. The feelings were stronger than usual last night. I'm at my breaking point. It's unreal.

_You are the piece of me I wish I didn't need..._

**Dan's POV**

It's getting more and more difficult to deal with the unspoken feelings Phil and I have for each other. It's the giant elephant in the room, as we go about our daily activities, having so much to say and no way to say it.

This will end today. I'm going to talk to Phil. Just the fact that I care this much says something important... This is killing me... I think it might be love? I don't know. I'm nervous. More nervous than I've ever been, even though I know I probably won't be rejected. By going into his room and having this conversation, I am signing my single life away to my best friend, and officially giving him my heart, once and for all. Was I ready for this?

I think so. I know so. I really loved him, didn't I?

_Chasing relentlessly, still fine and I don't know why..._

I knocked at the door lightly. "Hey Phil can I come in for a sec?" Only a little grumble was heard. I enter, apprehensively. Phil was wrapped in about six blankets, looking like a caterpillar in a cocoon, with only his hands peeking out to type on his laptop. It was honestly very adorable, but I the pitiful look on his face told me that this wasn't the appropriate time to take a picture and/or squeal, so I stuck to the game plan. "I really want to talk through this with you, Phil. For real."

"I don't know if I can do this anymore." He spoke the words with a tinge of regret. He still loved me, I could see it, but he was still hurting. Phil is a really sensitive guy. He's not the type that would go to a club looking for a one-night stand, or would ask someone out without really feeling something deep for them. He cares far too much, for me especially, and just the thought of his undying love hovering over me made me feel so much safer.

"You don't have to, Phil. You don't have to do anything." I looked down and grabbed his hand. I needed his eternal support for what I was about to do, breaking the ice and all. He let me hold it, and never for a second thinking of pulling away. "I want this to be different, Phillip."

"What do you mean, Dan?"

"I mean... I don't just want you when I'm going through a crisis and stuff..." I mumbled it, and then took one of his blankets to hide my face in. So _this_ is why it took so long for us to put our feelings out into the air. I had no idea it would be this embarrassing, or this hard. He looks confused, but somehow happy? It was good to see that face, those gorgeous eyes, kind of retaining a smile. If I was going to confess, I would have to go big or go home.

"Phillip."

"Daniel?"

"I'm about to tell you something but I can't do it when you're looking at me like that!" He smiled visibly and shook off a few blankets, looking attentively up at me. He knows what's coming. "STOP THAT!"

"What?" He was actually glowing.

"Turn around! I won't tell you until you turn around! I can't do it when you're looking." Wow I sounded like a little kid. He called my bluff and turned around, allowing me to speak once again.

"Phil, I... I really like you. I think you love me, and I'm getting there, I'm sure of it. It doesn't matter if I'm having a good day or a bad day, going through some stupid vulnerability crisis or not. I want to be with you all the time, Phil, and those just happened to be the times I was brave enough to show it. I don't want to have to be having some dumb crazy moment to spend time with you and ask you sappy questions." My face was heating up, but Phil still had his back towards me, and he wasn't moving at all. I continued, "I don't want anybody else. All I want is you, Phil, for better or worse. Is there any way, after all the confusion and hurt I've put you through, that you could possibly want me too? You can turn around now..."

Phil turned abound and I saw the best thing I could ever imagine. Pink cheeks on his pale face, his hair swept off his forehead, and his big, blue eyes shining through his watering eyes, tears of pure joy.

_If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?_

**Phil's POV**

Dan had just confessed to me. DAN HAD JUST CONFESSED TO ME. I can't even handle myself right now! I am so unbelievably happy to hear those words come out of his mouth! The love of my life wants me? As a boyfriend? I must be dreaming.

Dan looks super nervous and worried. Better seal the deal, huh?

I kiss him firmly on the lips, in the way I've been waiting so long to do. Just kissing him because I love him. Just because I felt like it. I could finally do that now and it makes me the happiest person alive. Through all the chaos and all the craziness, I know I could never leave Dan's side. His presence, these last four years, has become like air. You don't notice it all the time, but once it's gone there's an earth-shattering disturbance and you suddenly need him back. I'll never let him go.We make each other smile, scream, cry, and go nuts and I wouldn't have it any other way. Perfectly imperfect is what we are, and that's what will make us work for a long, long time.

_If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?_


End file.
